A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the Police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast…”
The young daughter adopted an old abandoned cat that insisted on eating it’s meals outside the back door, and only at night. Because of his advanced age she called him Grandpa. Imagine the horror of her family’s dinner guests one evening when she scraped the meal leftovers onto a plate and announced, “These are for Grandpa. He’s waiting on the back steps.”
When a friend told me she was pregnant, I asked her “Do you know the baby’s sex?” She replied “Yes, but we’ve decided not to announce it.” I asked “Can I make a guess?” She responded “Sure, go ahead.” I asked “Is it a girl?” She replied “Oh no, you’re way off.”
I was talking to my doctor about a weight loss patch that I’d seen advertised. You are supposed to stick it on and the weight melts away. “Does it work?” I asked. “Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.”
A man was sitting at the bar drinking away his sorrows. Suddenly he sees two possums burst through the front door. Amazed, the man watches as they sit down next to him, order drinks, and eat from a bowl of nuts. Finally he gives up trying to contain his curiosity. “Where did you two learn to talk?” he asks. The possum sitting closest to him replies “You must be drunk. There’s only one of me.”
A boy runs into the house after school. “Dad.” He calls out. “I got a part in the school play. I’m playing a man who has been married for 25 years.” His father commiserates, “Oh, bad luck son. Don’t worry. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.”
While visiting a hospital to see our daughter, who had just had a baby, we met a man in the lift on the way to the maternity ward holding a pink ceramic boot filled with some beautiful imitation flowers and a chocolate selection. I smiled and said, “That’s lovely. Does she look like you?” He stared at me and replied, “I certainly hope not. I’m the courier.”
During my 55th high school class reunion I spotted an old friend. “Bill”, I shouted. “You look exactly as you did in high school.” He nodded, “Now I know why I never got a date in high school.”
Want to hear a joke about aeroplanes? No. It would probably just go over my head.
Once my dog ate all the scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
A sex therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
A man in the back leaps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year, why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Because today’s the day!”
Did you hear about the Lawyer who got so cold he put his hands into his own pockets?
You can tell your getting old, when you go to an antiques auction and three people put in a bid for you.
A psychologist congratulated his patient on making good progress, but the patient wasn’t buying it. “You call this progress?” he snapped. “Six months ago, I was Napoléon. Now I’m nobody!”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
I went to college to become an astronaut. All I did was take up space.
What do you call a man lying in front of a door? A Mat.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
When the zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires a mime to dress up as the gorilla and get into the cage until he finds a replacement ape.
The mime quickly discovers what a great gig he has. He can sleep, play, and make fun of people all day, and he’s drawing bigger crowds than he ever has.
Eventually, the crowd tires of him and starts paying more attention to the lion in the next cage.
Miffed, the mime climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage, teasing the big cat. The crowd loves it, but the lion is furious. That is, until the mime slips and falls into his pen.
The lion licks his chops and slowly walks toward him. Just as the lion is about to pounce, the terrified mime screams, “Help me!”
With that, the lion leaps on top of the mime, brings his snarling maw inches from his face, and says, “Shut up! You want to get us both fired?”
I can’t find my Gone in 60 Seconds DVD. It was here a minute ago.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one-year gym membership.
You can lead a horse to water, but you need a seahorse to continue your journey.
Did you hear about the guy who did bird impressions? He ate worms.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan”.
A taxi is cruising down a main road when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful.” The driver says, “Don’t worry, my brother does it all the time.” He continues on and drives through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that.” The driver says, “I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.” They approach the next light just as it turns green, and the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights, why did you stop a green?” The driver says, “I had to, my brother might have been coming.”
A man, toolbox in hand, rang the doorbell. A woman answered. He said, “Good morning. I’ve come to fix the pipe. I’m the plumber.” She says, “But I didn’t call a plumber.” He asks, “Aren’t you Mrs Foster?” She replies, “No, she moved a year ago.” He says, “How do you like that? They ask for a plumber, saying it’s an emergency, and then they move.”
A political candidate told his wife some glorious news, “Darling, I’ve been elected.” “Honestly.” She replied. “Hey,” he responded. “Why bring that up?”
A lawyer was playing golf when he was struck by a golf ball. When the player came over to look for it, the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this will cost you $5,000.” The golfer replied, “But I did say fore.” The lawyer responded, “I’ll take it”.
A pilot walks into a shop and asks for helicopter flavoured potato chips. The shop owner says, “I’m sorry, but we only have plane.”
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow. “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself. The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.” “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked. The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff. “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver. “Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off Highway 150…”