Here is a collection of Jokes for your enjoyment. These Jokes are longer than the “one liner” style of Joke.
The young daughter adopted an old abandoned cat that insisted on eating it’s meals outside the back door, and only at night. Because of his advanced age she called him Grandpa. Imagine the horror of her family’s dinner guests one evening when she scraped the meal leftovers onto a plate and announced, “These are for Grandpa. He’s waiting on the back steps.”
While visiting a hospital to see our daughter, who had just had a baby, we met a man in the lift on the way to the maternity ward holding a pink ceramic boot filled with some beautiful imitation flowers and a chocolate selection. I smiled and said, “That’s lovely. Does she look like you?” He stared at me and replied, “I certainly hope not. I’m the courier.”
A sex therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
A man in the back leaps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked, this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year, why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Because today’s the day!”
When a friend told me she was pregnant, I asked her “Do you know the baby’s sex?” She replied “Yes, but we’ve decided not to announce it.” I asked “Can I make a guess?” She responded “Sure, go ahead.” I asked “Is it a girl?” She replied “Oh no, you’re way off.“
A man was sitting at the bar drinking away his sorrows. Suddenly he sees two possums burst through the front door. Amazed, the man watches as they sit down next to him, order drinks, and eat from a bowl of nuts. Finally he gives up trying to contain his curiosity. “Where did you two learn to talk?” he asks. The possum sitting closest to him replies “You must be drunk. There’s only one of me.”
I was talking to my doctor about a weight loss patch that I’d seen advertised. You are supposed to stick it on and the weight melts away. “Does it work?” I asked. “Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.“
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the Police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast…”
A boy runs into the house after school. “Dad.” He calls out. “I got a part in the school play. I’m playing a man who has been married for 25 years.” His father commiserates, “Oh, bad luck son. Don’t worry. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.”
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty. My neighbour’s kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn’t remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I rushed back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbours screaming so I go out and ask them what’s wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it, but now it’s back in the cage.
During my 35th high school class reunion I spotted an old friend. “Bill“, I shouted. “You look exactly as you did in high school.” He nodded, “Now I know why I never got a date in high school.“
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” The Gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor…“
When the zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires a mime to dress up as the gorilla and get into the cage until he finds a replacement ape.
The mime quickly discovers what a great gig he has. He can sleep, play, and make fun of people all day, and he’s drawing bigger crowds than he ever has.
Eventually, the crowd tires of him and starts paying more attention to the lion in the next cage.
Miffed, the mime climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage, teasing the big cat. The crowd loves it, but the lion is furious. That is, until the mime slips and falls into his pen.
The lion licks his chops and slowly walks toward him. Just as the lion is about to pounce, the terrified mime screams, “Help me!”
With that, the lion leaps on top of the mime, brings his snarling maw inches from his face, and says, “Shut up! You want to get us both fired?”
A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car. The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me $10,000 or I’ll beat the hell out of you!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy, I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins.” The man calls his son and just as he is about to talk the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well bring me $10,000 or I’ll beat up your dad.” The son answers “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” 15 minutes later the son pulls up with a jeep and out comes 10 men who start beating up the owner of the car. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins…”
An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her Doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s lagging libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?” asked the Doctor. “Not a chance,” she said… “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the Doctor. “Give him an “Irish Viagra.” “What’s this Irish Viagra?” she asked. The Doctor replied, “You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.” A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results. “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!” she exclaimed. “T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!” “Really? What happened?” asked the doctor. She replied, “Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!” “Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean it wasn’t good?” She says, “It was the best I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!…”
Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and asked him if it was going to rain. “No” assured the weatherman. So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey who said: “Your Majesty, please return to the palace at once because it’s going to rain buckets shortly”! The King politely replied: “The palace meteorologist is a highly educated and experienced professional, and I pay him a lot. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did. However, it soon started to pour, totally soaking the King and Queen while their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the King returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…….
A woman ran a red light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left; but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! ” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn’t break. Surely, God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man who asked “Aren’t you having any?” She replied “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the Police”.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.” Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.” The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
A taxi is cruising down a main road when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful.” The driver says, “Don’t worry, my brother does it all the time.” He continues on and drives through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that.” The driver says, “I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.” They approach the next light just as it turns green, and the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights, why did you stop at a green?” The driver says, “I had to, my brother might have been coming.”
A man, toolbox in hand, rang the doorbell. A woman answered. He said, “Good morning. I’ve come to fix the pipe. I’m the plumber.” She says, “But I didn’t call a plumber.” He asks, “Aren’t you Mrs Foster?” She replies, “No, she moved a year ago.” He says, “How do you like that? They ask for a plumber, saying it’s an emergency, and then they move.”
A woman called up a hospital and asked, “I want to know if the patient Sally Johnson in Room No 1438 is getting better?” The RMO replied, “She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days!” The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful news!” RMO: ” I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!” Woman: “No…no… I’m Sally Johnson. No one tells me anything here !”
The testicles of a cowboy midget hurt and ached almost all the time. So he went to the doctor and consulted him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examination table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. “Hmm…” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. “Aha!” said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt and he felt less pain. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examination room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, “How does that feel now?” The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it. What did you do?” The doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots…”
A lawyer was playing golf when he was struck by a golf ball. When the player came over to look for it, the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this will cost you $5,000.” The golfer replied, “But I did say fore.” The lawyer responded, “I’ll take it”.
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow. “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself. The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.” “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked. The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the Grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff. “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver. The driver scratching his head, says, “Um… you see, we just got off Highway 150…”
One thought on “Jokes Collection #1”
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