Doctor Jokes

I was talking to my doctor about a weight loss patch that I’d seen advertised. You are supposed to stick it on and the weight melts away. “Does it work?” I asked. “Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.”

While visiting a hospital to see our daughter, who had just had a baby, we met a man in the lift on the way to the maternity ward holding a pink ceramic boot filled with some beautiful imitation flowers and a chocolate selection.  I smiled and said, “That’s lovely.  Does she look like you?”  He stared at me and replied, “I certainly hope not. I’m the courier.”


A hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. “I just know I’ve got a liver disease, and I’m going to die from it.” The Doctor responded “Ridiculous, you’d never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment, there’s no discomfort of any kind.” The hypochondriac said “Those are my exact symptoms!”

A patient tells his doctor that he has a terrible problem, as at every morning at 8 am he has a bowel movement. The Doctor says “What is wrong with that?” The patient says, “I don’t get up until 9 am.”

“Doctor, please help me,” asks an elderly patient. “I have silent passage of gas every morning. I have silent passage of gas every afternoon, and I have silent passage of gas every evening. Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at unpredictable times, for instance, just now. Can you help me?” The Doctor replies, “Sure I can help you, but first you need to get your hearing checked.”


Doctor, Doctor, I have ringing in my ears! Well answer it.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind! I didn’t expect that, it came straight out of the purple.

Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.


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