Adult Funny Stuff

ADULT type Funny Jokes. Please don’t read them if you don’t like rude jokes. They are only intended for light entertainment, not to offend.

What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? . . Chewing Gum

What does tofu and a dildo have in common? . . They are both meat substitutes.

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” . “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” . . “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?  . . . . Melt them into a tyre and call it a goodyear.

What does the receptionist at a Sperm Bank say as clients leave?  . . . Thanks for coming!

What does the sign on an out-of-business Brothel say?  .   Beat it. We’re closed.

Who’s the most popular guy at the Nudist colony? . . The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. . She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.

My neighbour has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. . . I personally am on the fence.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” . . The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

A penguin takes his car to the workshop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” . . “No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? . . Ken came in another box.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? . . By becoming a ventriloquist.

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” . . “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!

What do you call someone with a small penis?
. Justin!

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. . I said, Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. . It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. . . I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. . She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

The testicles of a cowboy midget hurt and ached almost all the time. So he went to the doctor and consulted him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examination table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. “Hmm…” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. “Aha!” said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt and he felt less pain. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examination room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, “How does that feel now?” The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it. What did you do?” The doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots…

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? . . As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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