A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.“
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.“
“Show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.“
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!“
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?“
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say – “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!!”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?“
The man below says “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering 30 ft above this field.“
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist
I am, replies to man. “How did you know?“
“Well“, says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but it’s no use to anyone.“
The man below says “You must be in management.“
” I am” replies a balloonist. “How did you know?“
“Well,” says the man. “You don’t know where you are, where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.“
It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six, but just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six.
“I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”