My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a “s*ithead.”
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 years old, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see!”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
“Was I going up the stairs or coming down!?”
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.“
While reading the newspaper, I said to my wife,
“It says here that Hawaii has passed a law banning loud laughing.”
Wife: “Really, fancy passing a law banning laughing.”
Me: “Oh they’ve not banned it completely, it’s ok if you do it quietly. It has to be a-low-ha.”