A manufacturing Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week … Why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”
From across the room, a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 years old, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see!”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
“Was I going up the stairs or coming down!?”
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.“
Recently, at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.