While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive lady golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out from her porch, “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
I noticed she had nice svelte figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now “, she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. And I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed, “But I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of Scotches, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile . “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything.. By the way.., where is she?“
I replied, “Still under the cart..!”
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,‘ said one boy. Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…‘ He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,‘ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord!“
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…“
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?”.
The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing music.
The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer.
Next, the man said “If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?”.
The bar tender didn’t think it was possible, so he agreed.
The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bar tender smiled and told the man that he was impressed.
A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left.
The bar tender couldn’t believe the owner just did that and said “Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singing now!”.
The owner laughed and said “Don’t worry; the rat is a ventriloquist!”.
I just bought a horse, and my mate said: “What you going to do it with it?”
I said: “Race it“.
He said: “My money’s on the horse”.